The Great Trade

It was a cold Saturday afternoon in November when a pair of terrified new parents checked out of the hospital with their two-day-old baby girl and headed - nervous, but with a solid plan - into the dangerous world.  Every precaution was taken; there was an infant sized snow suit zipped to her nose, extra padding around her head, and the rear-facing car seat was covered with a breathable blanket.  In addition to the overnight bags, the diaper bag was crammed with every imaginable baby care item.  Despite the hope to avoid using them, there were multiple sterilized, dental-approved pacifiers packaged in sealed plastic containers, in case one should fall on the floor.  Before departure everything was double-checked.  If she sneezed there were sensitive skin tissues at the ready.  If she squinted, the sun-shade was hung to come to the rescue.  A well balanced and healthy menu was planned for the upcoming nights, to assure that both mom and baby were getting the nutrition they required.

Fast-forward five years and nine months…

It was a hot and sticky Wednesday afternoon in July when two veteran parents loaded three kids and a new baby, wearing just a hand-me-down onesie, into the minivan.  The only luggage was a backpack with some sweatpants in it, and a well-loved diaper bag with the usual necessities.  These were tossed into the hatch for the trip.  The plan was to grab dinner at the McDonald’s drive-through on the way home.  When the pacifier hit the ground it was licked off and returned.  

It’s not difficult to spot the differences in these scenes; they’re pretty obvious.  They weren’t at the time, though.  The degradation from meticulous-though-naive to seasoned-if-somewhat-passive was a slow and barely noticeable one that affected every area of life.  It didn't end with pacifiers and meals.  After years of sleep deprivation and damage control our parenting habits had evolved across the board.  Allow me to elaborate with a few examples:

Clothes~

Kid 1: Seasonally appropriate name brand soft cotton clothes washed in detergents for 

    infants with sensitive skin, free of dyes and perfumes.  

Kid 2: Non-stained hand-me-downs from the older kid, carefully washed out of storage, where 

    they were kept in sorted and marked bins.

Kid 3: Older siblings’ clothes straight out of their drawer, often with stains but no holes, and 

    usually weather-appropriate. 

Kid 4: Whatever is available and fits.  Hopefully clean.  In layers over tights if it’s shorts in the 

    winter…

Feeding~

Kid 1: Nursed exclusively until 6 months, then given fortified infant rice cereal once daily for a 

    month.  Additional foods added one at a time, pureed from fresh, well-washed, natural 

    ingredients.  

Kid 2: Nursed exclusively for 3 months, then introduced to baby cereals and jarred baby foods 

    daily.

Kid 3: Nursed and bottle fed until about 3 months.  Introduced to soft carbs and mashed 

    veggies from mom’s dinner plate. 

Kid 4: Nursed and bottle fed, but by 4 months has already grown fond of eating the crumbs 

    from the car seat and regularly steals snacks from sisters.  Is eating primarily ripped up 

    pizza and fast food by the age of 6 months.

Diapers~

Kid 1: The softest possible name brand diapers in the correctly labeled size, changed regularly 

    regardless of content. 

Kid 2: Soft, name brand diapers that fit, changed as needed when wet/dirty.

Kid 3: Store brand diapers in whatever size will stay on the body, changed when drooping.

Kid 4: Older siblings pull-ups held on with a onesie.  Usually replaced when the child shows up 

    naked.  (“Where on earth… get over here!  Has anybody seen your sister’s pull-up!?”)

Bathing~

Kid 1: Bathed nightly in a shallow tub lined with a sponge matt.  Rinsed with an 

    eye-protecting, BPA free rubber pouring device.  Washed only with infant shampoo and 

    body wash, dried with a clean hooded infant towel, well lotioned head to toe, and dressed in     fresh pajamas of her own.

Kid 2: Washed nightly with the older sibling in a protective seat that keeps her from drowning 

    while you’re getting them both clean.  Probably lotioned.  Dried with the nearest towel 

    that has been abandoned and isn’t saturated.  Dressed in clean pajamas that fit.

Kid 3: Washed hastily with whatever soap is available.  Used to getting splashed in the face.  

    Dried in a shared towel and adorned in whatever clean clothes are nearby and can be 

    slept in.  

Kid 4: Washed assembly line-style when visibly dirty, possibly with run-off shampoo if the bar of 

    soap has run off.   Still a bit damp when dressed in anything soft that hasn’t been worn 

    for more than one night.  

Stroller~

Kid 1: Rides in a carefully researched, assembled and inspected name brand stroller with all of 

    the finest safety features.  Has age appropriate interactive toys added to hang at the 

    right level to stimulate the brain.  Has a sun-shade and a diaper bag basket.  Is cleaned 

    regularly with baby-safe detergent and anti-bacterial wipes.

Kid 2: Rides in an upgraded “double” stroller of the above brand, cleaned about twice a year 

    and stocked with whatever toys were in the diaper bag or nearby at departure.  Must 

    have locking breaks.

Kid 3: Shares a seat in the well-loved double.  Feasts on last week’s goldfish crackers from the 

    cup-holder while playing with purse items.  When too big to share gets own seat, and 

    has to fit legs around the oldest who is riding underneath where the diaper bag goes.

Kid 4: Rides in a used-to-be collapsible stroller from a garage sale that has stains and pulls to 

    the left.  Bakes in the sun because there is no shade.  Toys are overrated, “look at what’s        around you”  Eats a french fry that they found in the seam of the seat.

Travel~

Kid 1: Has own monogrammed luggage filled with twice the needed number of outfits, toys, 

    and a fan and humidifier for at night.  Enjoys healthy snacks and stimulating 

    entertainment on the drive.  Frequent stops for stretching.  Sleeps in a portable bed as 

s    imilar as possible to the one at home.

Kid 2: Has a bag with clothes and toys.  Gets fruit snacks.  Stops whenever older sister has to 

    pee.  Sleeps in a play-yard with extra padding and the bathroom fan on for noise.

Kid 3: Shares a bag - and maybe some clothes - with siblings.  Gets bits of cheeseburger to 

    keep quiet.  Watches Dora on the car DVD player.  Sleeps on anything soft enough.

Kid 4: Community bag and wardrobe.  Bribed with fast food.  Watches anything on mom’s 

    phone.  Sleeps with mom and dad, or on the floor next to them, to prevent crying.  

Toys~

Kid 1: Brand name, age appropriate, brain stimulating toys that are washed regularly with 

    baby-safe antibacterial wipes and rotated to keep interest.

Kid 2: Whatever affordable toy they pointed at when grocery shopping, washed about yearly 

    with dish-soapy water. 

Kid 3: Hand-me-down and garage sales toys with new batteries, washed if/when visibly dirty.

Kid 4: Mom’s keys, food packages and hair brushes that got left in the car. 

Playing outside~

Kid 1: Well sun-screened.  Plays in a shaded and padded play-yard with mosquito netting and 

    a variety of clean toys.

Kid 2: Sun-screened around clothing, plays on a blanket in the shade with a few toys brought 

    out from inside. 

Kid 3: Sprayed with sunscreen on exposed areas.  Plays in the grass with abandoned sand 

    shovels and their own shoes.

Kid 4: Sits in the shade under the bleachers at sister’s softball game, eating dirt and throwing 

    rocks. 

At this point I should admit to you that I have a bit of a hang-up when it comes to “lowering the bar” for myself.  If I get the feeling - however slight - that I have somehow reduced my standards, I will redouble my efforts beyond what’s necessary to make certain that I am not slacking.  I hate the thought of cutting corners, and I have a nasty habit of doing things the harder way assuming that it is the correct way, simply because it requires more effort.  Taking the easy road is for the lazy and the compromisers.

So this notion that I had somehow done so with my parenting was deeply disturbing when it came to my attention as I slapped a heated up frozen pizza on the table one night and pondered the necessity of baths before TV. 

WHAT HAD I BECOME!?!?!?

I thought back to the days when I wouldn’t have ever even considered allowing them to eat pre-made meals, skip a bath, or stay up past 9:00.  Yet here I was filling them with preservatives, getting out the jammies and making plans to fall asleep in front of a kids movie until they were tired enough to tuck them in.  Had I lost the battle!?  

I wrestled with this for a bit, and started calculating what changes would have to be made.  That’s when I realized that, given the limited amount of time and energy in a day, I would have to cut other things out to make those changes.  And I don’t just mean cutting carbs and screen time.  Good stuff would have to go to make room for other good stuff.  Life was a delicate balance.  I had not lost.

I wasn’t actually losing anything, we were just trading them.  Like our sanity for more kids.  Just kidding.  

We had swapped rigid routines for adaptability.  We had traded squeaky clean floors for more time outside.  We had substituted a lack of germs with an oft-tested resistance to them.  We had replaced quiet singing with raucous conversations about real life.  

Yes, it did mean that some things weren’t as “perfect” as I had planned.  And it’s true that there are always areas that can be improved.  But we had not compromised on the important things.  We still had structure, we just added the ability to “roll with the punches.”  We had things to work on, and that was okay.  We had effectively purged out the unnecessary stressors in order to enjoy life more fully, and that was far from a loss.